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Thursday, 28 January 2010

fml.

at school i'm stuck on a dilemma. i need friends. in the past year i've lost more friends than anyone should lose in a year. it's unfair how, although i'm sure i have my faults, not one of these people i committed a deathly sin towards.

sarah: found out she was an untrue friend when she decided to cut ties with me because i accused her of doing something immature she and the other sarah did. (i.e. taking up for my boyfriend when they wronged him. she gets mad because she apparently doesn't like him anyways.) she chooses a girl she's known a few months over me (her loyal friend of over a decade)

tamara: never really a friend. i liked talking to her about my problems, but in the end, she was trying to flirt with my boyfriend?? and yes, part of it was his fault too, because he egged it on to push buttons i suppose. but i think we may be past this stage now. i think he may be maturing.

emilee: she is the only one i really don't understand or even have any idea why she chose to cut all ties. the other people, while i had an idea of what the reasons were behind their motivations.. she has no viable motivation. i've done nothing to her. i didn't talk to her for a while, and one day noticed she'd deleted me from fb & myspace. oh well, her loss.

marianna: we aren't friends or even decent roommates anymore. she harbors hard feelings towards me because i am never at home. i stay with chris every night, with the exception of him being gone out of town. also, i think she probably played a role in emilee's feelings towards me. i'm sure they've talked about me despicably. it makes sense. in my absence she is always with emilee, and she is getting an apartment with emilee next year. whoop de doo. i'm not too concerned about it.
--she actually went into my room and stole me charger b/c she messed up the other one, and expected that i take the crappy one (for our laptops). i could technically press charges if i wanted too. what a bitch. so to make my problems less of problems... my poor mom who is struggling to pay our finances and just took out a last minute loan for me (when they don't have the money) has bought me a new one.

it seems that every single time i write in my online journal, it's because i'm angry over something. right now i'm angry for several reasons:

1. my science fiction class is a 1000 level class, so it's suited as a freshman course, yet in the next two days i have to read around 400 pages for it. as if i don't have other classes to do work for. i hate when teachers assume their class is "it."
2. i texted chris, asked him to let me know when he got out of class. he doesn't even bother to tell me. rude much? and i have to call to find out. wtf? i need friends. back on this tangent... i need friends so i can go out with them, and not be sitting in my lame ass apartment doing nothing.. procrastinating mostly.. while he's out having fun. my life officially sucks.
3. i want smirnoff. i want raspberry smirnoff. and i want to drink my heart out. i want to let off my steam, and forget all of my stress just for a little bit.
4. marianna screwed up my charger, let the belt come out of it that wraps it up, and i have electrical tape on it. then she traded it back in for her good condition one, and pretended none of it was her fault. she's a bitch.
5. earl has been acting so weird lately. (he's my fish) he pretty much glues himself to the bottom of the filter where the water flows through underwater and makes the bubbles. i hope it's just b/c he likes the motion against his gills or something. he's been my friend for almost two years in a few short months, so i want to keep him alive as long as possible.
6. i went to talk to the girls about apartments. on monday, ok? i've heard nothing. i thought i was in until they told me they were talking to another girl the next day, and would keep in touch. i guess they picked her? they didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. and yes, i did decide it was too expensive and i'd rather room with my other friend sarah in a cheaper budget, but it's just a courtesy thing, ya know?

and although i could probably think of more reasons as to why i'm steaming, i need to read. read, read, read. boring stuff. that's my life now.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

before i get started on my latest tangent---> my loans went through.. well mom and dad's loan went through.
anyways, i wonder how we can ever please everyone around us. i think the people before us have tried to, but were proven wrong for years. in reality, it's not possible to please any one person and all of the rest combined. even witha president.. he has to do what he feels is right in keeping our country afloat, yet many people won't agree with the stances he takes.
and why is it that when we find people we love and adore in life, they can't be satisfied with our feelings and embrace them like they should? or the majority of people don't. and what they don't realize... is that no one will ever love them this much. it's their loss.
gah, i don't know where i'm getting at. i'm sick, half doped up on meds, and i feel wronged. again. and let's not forget i should be pmsing at this point. i'm on the white pills now. why is i that i am always that first person? i am always the one who does everything i think i'm supposed too. and its probably too right, so it makes it all wrong. if that's even possible. i think i'd rather be the other person. only i could never be them, because i'm such a nice person i'd feel completely horrible if i treated anyone with anything but the ways i believe. i'll never change. the latter of the two will never change. i don't understand who is for who, then? if the first of the two get with all of the other first of the two, then who do the ones who the first always feel attracted to go to when there is none of the first left? it feels like some riddle. and i feel like some cliche caught in the riddle. i've seen it happen only too often, and even to me.
maybe none of this will make any sense to anyone who might read it as an outsider, and i hope it doesn't. this is just me needing to get my feelings out.

i probably could say more in my own weird way. but i'm going to go start packing. i have to leave in the morning, regardless of how i feel. i have so much to get done tomorrow. i need to go buy books, groceries, unpack... you know the drill. spring semester starts tuesday, and i'm gonna rock it this semester! watch me!

also, i'm starting on a new book idea. it's a good one. i'll expand more later after i've figured out more of the intricate details. right now it's just a broad sketch of an idea.

xoxo-
whitney

Saturday, 09 January 2010

in the past six months i've felt my life has been spinning out of control. there just have been various things i've had to cope with that have made my life more stressful, and taught me a few life lessons.
i still struggle in deciding what is right from day to day, and i've been feeling alone in making a lot of them.
being halfway through college is a scary factor, because i can't imagine a life where i'm settled and start working like any other adult. it's all gone by so fast, and it hasn't even been as great as adults have told me all of my life it would be. it's expensive, and i have had the worst time trying to decide what i will spend the rest of my life doing. i stress about finances constantly, and worry about when its all going to level out. i figure that the worries that are starting to arise in me are a sign of becoming an adult, and learning to handle stresses.
i checked my email today and realized that the loans i thought were covering next semester are half covering it, and i still owe 1700 to be registered and clear the holds on my account for the spring semester. this is a new burden. my mom seems to be less worried about it than me, and that's a lot on my shoulders. i have no idea what i'm dealing with and what most of the technical stuff to do with them means. i basically have a week to get this figured out, and i'm a little scared.
i hope that my husband and i can provide more of a support base someday for our children when they reach this period in their lives, so it won't seem like we're throwing them out on their own. i feel like i have no one to talk to about it, because it embarrasses me and makes me unfortunate in some way. i've never had to want for anything in life. i've gotten mostly everything i want. not that i've been given thousand dollar purses or been flown all over the world for shopping sprees, but i've been more fortunate than many people. when it comes to college i have nothing. no support base. here i am having to try to take out another damn loan. i hate to see what the number will be once they are all consolidated. oh, i've cried about it a few times. it puts a lot on me to think about it. the fct that i've had such a struggle in making a decision on my job in the future hasn't helped matters either.

i'm just going to have to trust God in this one. i can't do it alone. and i sure can't ask papaw for anymore money right now. he's given me so much my entire life already, and with the loan i just got from him. i'll just have to do what a lot of other people do. that's why all of this stuff exists. i'll figure this one out on my own. i'll pray hard.

xoxo-
whitney

Friday, 08 January 2010

the decisions are made, but hard to make.

today was a very non-eventful day. i got up early. went to work. came home after and took a nap. oh, and i drove franchesca (my car) home today because i had to leave her at work last night. the roads were almost as bad today as they were last night when dad had to come pick me up.
everything has been going very smoothly lately, except for the fight i had with my mom in order to go see chris.
then last night chris went off on me about my career choices yet. i know what i want to do. i don't have to be an editor but there's tons of jobs i can qualify for with an english degree. i can teach (which i don't want to do), be a legal secretary (which i'm not crazy about either), a librarian (which sounds too old-ladyish), do technical writing and write manuals for various items such as electronics or whatever, write for the government or be a proofreader (as chris's mom says), be an editor, or publisher for a publishing company, be the person who writes up medical transcripts or grants. i could probably go into speech therapies with an addition of psychology classes, or other classes accordingly. i could also write for a magazine or newspaper, which isn't really what i'm aiming for. all of these jobs are ones that i could think of doing upon graduation, and there are more, but this is all i can think of. i have a while to figure out what is most in demand (such as technical writing) and to find what it is that i should aim for, because my degree would apply to all of them. i don't understand why chris doesn't get that this is what i'm looking at for my future, and support me. i feel like he wants what is best for me, but by hurting my feelings and belittling my hopes and dreams for my future is not the way to do it. these jobs are all decent jobs. i like money. i love to spend it, but if money is all i have and i don't have any happiness with what i'm doing for the rest of my life, then i won't be happy with the money. if i make a decent living by doing something i can live with waking up every morning too, then that's my goal.
i know what makes money and what doesn't. i also know the value of money. i've been the spender of my family my entire life. i like the best of things. i like expensive purses and shoes and nice clothes just like any other girl, so i do want to have money to buy decent things.
i love chris. i'm sure he knows how much he means to me. i just really hope he can understand where i'm coming from, and that yes, there are jobs out there for me. there is something that i will fit right into after i graduate, and it will be a decent job. just because i'm not a pharmacist or a doctor or a lawyer, doesn't mean that with my spouse and me combined that we won't live well. i just want him to support my interests just like i support his interests for cows and the livestock industry. i know he loves that stuff, and he knows he has to find another career to back it up. that is very smart of him, but i also know what i'm doing with my future. i've talked to my teacher, and i know there are jobs out there for english majors. and something will work perfect for me, but i still have time until i am in the working world. right now i just need to make it through and find which of these is for me.

megan's party is tonight, but only 5 girls came out of i don't know how many she invited. i feel bad that her party is kickin' like mine was. i had so many people downstairs, but the weather is bad and i suppose people don't want to bring their kids out in it when the roads are frozen and icy. i think she's happy with these people being here. they ware pretty good friends of hers. i just wanna bring on the ice cream cake!! haha

well, until next time. i'm still just writing a lot more in my handwritten journal.

xoxo-
whitney

Saturday, 02 January 2010

snow patrol antics.

I hate snow so bad! Last winter we didn't have a decent winter, and this year when I have someone to go see and I have somewhere to go I'm hindered?? What is that about?
I know this probably sounds a tad pathetic, but I haven't seen Chris in several weeks now, and after this past semester we are a billion times closer than we have been ever before. I need to see him. Its killing me that he's so far away that I can't just go visit whenever I want. Work permitted me a four day weekend, and I really wanted to go see him. We are in a dumb "Winter Weather Advisory" until 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, which means I'm stranded. I've heard it's not that bad out town, but my mom refuses to let me leave. I feel so miserable. I'm stuck in this dumb house once again, when I have somewhere I need to go.

I don't think I realized I'd get this upset, but I've been crying on and off all day,
She probably just doesn't want me to go.
Why does everything never work out for me? Nobody else I know has such bad luck. I feel so horrible. My mom is possibly the hardest person to get alone with that I know. She acts more and more like her crazy mom everyday. She's just so hateful all the time. I'm so sick of it. I have to get out of here and see him, or I'm gonna go insane. Chris is my best friend and he's the only person who truly understands me, and helps me out when I feel bad. I've depended on him so much these past several months, and being away from him sucks more than anything. Good thing he's not in the military, because I know I could never handle that.

My mom has continually put her foot down all day. I wish I could override her, but coming back here after would be hell. Nobody understands what it's like having her as a parent. She's so overbearing. She's been this way my entire life, and I can't wait to finally get out of her grasp. I'm going to live to where she can't interfere with me when I have a home of my own. I'm sick of her throwing up to me that they pay my insurance. Yeah, so what? I pay for mostly everything else. They should pay for something. They put me in this world.
I keep getting so damn emotional, and it's because I just wanna hug him so bad. He'd make me feel better, and I need that right now. I've had so much going on. That scare I had, and now I just really want to be with the one person who keeps me calm when I'm about to lose it. He's my stronghold in a way.
I've been writing more in my handwritten journal than I have on here lately, because it's more personal. I guess I could make my posts private on here, but I like the writing aspect of it by hand. I've always liked to write by hand and do the hands on stuff.

It's looking like I'm stranded for good. I can't see it being any better for me to leave tomorrow. And if my parents say "no" then I better not go because I'd wreck and die for not listening. That'd be my luck! I'll just pray for sanity as I'm stuck here in this place. I'm praying for a miracle that's about as likely as me ever joining the army or going skydiving or cliff jumping, which is not very likely at all. You'd have to kill me and then put the parachute on me.

Wishing life was better,
Whitney